Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Puppy Love
Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
How to Find Love
A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."
The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"
"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."
"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.
The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender?s advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.
"What?s the matter, sir, wasn?t my advice effective?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I?ve ever met."
?I don?t understand. What's your problem then?"
"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife?s the one with the problem now."
Real 911 calls
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
- Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
- Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
- Dispatcher: Excuse me?
- Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
- Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
- Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
- Dispatcher: 911
- Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
- Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
- Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
- Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
- Caller: No
- Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
- Caller: Running from the Police.
- Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
- Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
- Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
- Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
- Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
- Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
- Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
- Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
A Kid’s Guide to buying smart
A little kid was looking at the large ripe watermelons growing in the gardener's melon patch. "I'll give you my twenty five cents for that watermelon," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit in the middle of the patch.
"No," said the gardener, "I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one." The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, "Will you take twenty five cents for that one?"
"Sure," replied the gardener, "I'll give you that one for twenty five cents."
"OK," said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener's hand, "I'll pick it up in about two weeks."
The Questions Kid asks
four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
Sunday, December 12, 2010
"I PRAY FOR A......
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
You Better be Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."
Blind Date
Allen took his blind date to the carnival. 'What would you like to do first, Sandra?' asked Allen.
'I want to get weighed,' said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
'I want to get weighed,' she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, 'How did it go?'
Sandra responded, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'
'I want to get weighed,' said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
'I want to get weighed,' she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, 'How did it go?'
Sandra responded, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'
A Desperate Marriage Proposal
Aplu really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Though they were good friends, he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Jassi?"
"Yes, this is Jassi."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Jassi?"
"Yes, this is Jassi."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
Bus Driver & kid
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling.
"If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
Then kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Break up
Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.
“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.
“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.
“How did he break it, Emily?”
“I hit him over the head with it.”
Ads of Heaven
A big advertising man had a small daughter who came home from Sunday School one day carrying a bundle of pamphlets and cards.
"And what do you have there?" asked the man. "Oh, nothing much," answered the little girl. "Just some ads about heaven."
Borrowed umbrella
Jones: "Good Evening, old man. Thought I'd drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week."
Brown: "I'm sorry, but I lent it to a friend of mine.
Were you wanting it?"
Jones: "Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it."
Birthday Gift
My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
A blonde & brunette
A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
A Blonde & A Lawyer
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
@home
A BLONDE tells her boyfriend, "Come home tomorrow, no one will be at home."
When he goes the next day to her home.......
Her door was locked.
When he goes the next day to her home.......
Her door was locked.
You've Got Mail
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)