Puppy Love

Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.

"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."

Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"

How to Find Love

A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."

The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"

"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."

"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.

The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender?s advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.

"What?s the matter, sir, wasn?t my advice effective?" asks the bartender.

"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I?ve ever met."

?I don?t understand. What's your problem then?"

"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife?s the one with the problem now."

Real 911 calls

• Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
• Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
• Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
• Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
• Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
• Dispatcher: Excuse me?
• Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
• Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
• Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

---

• Dispatcher: 911
• Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
• Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
• Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
• Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
• Caller: No
• Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
• Caller: Running from the Police.

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
• Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
• Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
• Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
• Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
• Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

---

• Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
• Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
• Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
• Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

A Kid’s Guide to buying smart

A little kid was looking at the large ripe watermelons growing in the gardener's melon patch. "I'll give you my twenty five cents for that watermelon," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit in the middle of the patch.

"No," said the gardener, "I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one." The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, "Will you take twenty five cents for that one?"

"Sure," replied the gardener, "I'll give you that one for twenty five cents."

"OK," said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener's hand, "I'll pick it up in about two weeks."

The Questions Kid asks

four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”

“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.

“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…

At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”

"I PRAY FOR A......

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

You Better be Good

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.

Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister this year."

Blind Date

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. 'What would you like to do first, Sandra?' asked Allen.
'I want to get weighed,' said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
'I want to get weighed,' she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
'I want to get weighed,' she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, 'How did it go?'
Sandra responded, 'Oh, Waura, it was wousy.'

A Desperate Marriage Proposal

Aplu really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Though they were good friends, he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "Jassi?"

"Yes, this is Jassi."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

Bus Driver & kid

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling.
"If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with,
"If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid,
"What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
Then kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

Break up

Little Emily, the minister’s daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

“What’s wrong, dear?” asked the pastor.

“My doll! Billy broke it!” she sobbed.


“How did he break it, Emily?”

“I hit him over the head with it.”

Ads of Heaven

A big advertising man had a small daughter who came home from Sunday School one day carrying a bundle of pamphlets and cards.

"And what do you have there?" asked the man. "Oh, nothing much," answered the little girl. "Just some ads about heaven."

Borrowed umbrella

Jones: "Good Evening, old man. Thought I'd drop in and see you about the umbrella you borrowed from me last week."
Brown: "I'm sorry, but I lent it to a friend of mine.
Were you wanting it?"
Jones: "Well, not for myself, but the fellow I borrowed it from says the owner wants it."

Birthday Gift

My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."

"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."

A blonde & brunette

A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt.
Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor.
Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'"
To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"

A Blonde & A Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

@home

A BLONDE tells her boyfriend, "Come home tomorrow, no one will be at home."
When he goes the next day to her home.......
Her door was locked.

You've Got Mail

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Address for jokes 2

http://www.aplutaplu.com/subcats/blonde_jokes.php?gclid=CL2clY_B6KUCFQMb6wodOlCu0g

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

Frosted Flakes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Address for jokes 1

http://nursingspins.blogspot.com/

A blonde is walking down the street....

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Wimpy Kid 5

Big head, small body! Looked old and cute!

Wimpy Kid 4 (Denise Lim)

She's my friend Denise Lim...I draw it!

Wimpy Kid 3

This is my another drawing...

Wimpy Kid 2

这是我的图画。。。我在PAINT画的。

Wimpy Kid 1 (Greg Heffley)

Well...this is my drawing in PAINT. This is Greg Heffley in Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

搞笑篇

１。題目：一邊……一邊……
小朋友寫：他一邊脫衣服，一邊穿褲子。
老師批語：他到底是要脫還是要穿啊？

２。題目：其中
小朋友寫：我的其中一只左腳受傷了。
老師批語：你是蜈蚣嗎？

３。題目：陸陸續續
小朋友寫：下班了，爸爸陸陸續續的回家了。
老師批語：你到底有幾個爸爸呀？

４。題目：難過
小朋友寫：我家門前有條水溝很難過。
老師批語：老師更難過。

５。題目：又 又
小朋友寫：我的媽媽又矮又高又胖又瘦。
老師批語；你的媽媽是變形金鋼嗎？

６。題目：你看
小朋友寫：你看什麼看！沒看過啊
老師批語：沒看過

７。題目：欣欣向榮
小朋友寫：欣欣向榮榮告白。
老師批語：連續劇不要看太多了！

８。題目：好吃
小朋友寫：好吃個屁。
老師批語：有些東西是不能吃的。

９。題目：天真
小朋友寫：今天真熱。
老師批語：你真天真。

１０。題目：果然
小朋友寫：昨天我吃水果，然後喝涼水。
老師批語：是詞組，不能分開的。

１１。題目：先……再……，例題：先吃飯，再冼澡。
小朋友寫：先生，再見！
老師批語：想像力超過了地球人的智慧。

１２。題目：況且
小朋友寫：一列火車經過，況且況且況且況且況且況
老師批語：我死了算了 @@

妈妈学英文

妈妈学英文 （一）

有一天，我正在看VCD，老妈棒了一本书进来。

老妈：这个 "i don't know." 是什么意思 ?
我说：我不知道.
老妈：送你去大学读了几年，你怎么什么都不知道 ？
我说：不是 ！ 就是"我不知道"嘛 ！
老妈：还嘴硬 ！
说完老妈给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 （二）

老妈：那 "i know." 是什么意思你应该知道吧 ！
我说：是 "我知道".
老妈：知道就快说.
我说：就是 "我知道".
老妈：你皮痒是不是 ?
我说：就是 "我知道"呀！
老妈：知道你还不说？ 不懂不要装懂！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 （三）

老妈：再问你最后一个，你给我翻译一下 "i know but i don't want to tell you." 是什么意思？
我说：... ... ... ... ... ...我拿起枕头往自己的头上猛K三十几下，再用那个头撞墙三十多下，再用脚踢桌角三十多下，再用双手轮流掌嘴三十多下，血肉模糊之时，我问老妈：这下你满意了吧？！

人们常说：学习是痛苦的历程。
不过我不明白，为什么受伤的总是我。
我妈学英文的热情日益高涨，因而我的苦难就日益加深。

今天，她又来问我了。

老妈：儿子啊..! "i'm very annoyance,don't trouble me."是什么意思啊？
我说：我很烦，别烦我。
老妈：欠揍！跟你妈这么说话。
于是，我又挨了一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续二

老妈又问："i hear nothing,repeat"是什么意思呢？
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
老妈又说了一遍：i hear nothing,repeat.
我说：我没听清楚，再说一次。
我：噢~猛？

妈妈学英文 一续三

老妈再问："what do you say?"又是什么意思？
我说：你说什么？
老妈作势要打我，【算了，问另外一句。】

老妈：look up in the dictionary.是什么意思呢？
我说：查字典
老妈：叫我查字典？那我干嘛问你？！
这次我挨了两巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续四

老妈又问："you had better ask somebody." 怎么翻呢？
我说：你最好问别人。
老妈：你是我的儿子，我问别人干嘛？你又在皮痒了。
我说：啊！god save me！
老妈：敢耍你老妈？上帝也救不了你！
老妈又给了我一巴掌。

妈妈学英文 一续五

老妈：我再问你。"Use your head ,then think it over."又是什么意思呢？
我说：动动你的脑子，再仔细想想。
老妈：死仔，还敢耍我？　接着又要动手。
我连忙说：是世上只有妈妈好的意思
老妈：嗯，这还差不多！等下我做好吃的给你，下次再问你。

Confusing Chinese Names

Confusing Chinese Names

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!
Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgen t matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).
Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

http://whvv5.in/