Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, December 13, 2010
Puppy Love
Brad had been dating Elaine for months and had fallen in love with her. After much planning and hand wringing, he finally managed to screw up his courage long enough to declare his love and pop the big question.
"Being a bachelor is great," Brad began, "but in every man's life the time comes when he yearns for the company of another individual, an individual who will consider him perfect like a hero; an individual who he can treat as completely his own; who will be caring and true during difficult times; and who will share in his delights and sorrows."
Much to his joy, Brad saw an understanding look dawning in Elaine's eyes. Nodding her head in agreement Elaine declared, "What a wonderful idea, Brad! I just know I can help you find the perfect puppy!"
How to Find Love
A very depressed looking customer goes into a bar and declares, "Bartender, please help me. I can't take this anymore."
The bartender pours him a stiff drink and asks, "What's bothering you sir?"
"Well, bartender, I'm 30 years old and I am having no luck finding love. No matter what I do, I only manage to frighten women away."
"Don't worry, sir, your problem is not serious. I see it everyday working here. All you have to do is to develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. To do that you must go to your bathroom mirror every morning right after you wake up. Look at your reflection in there and say to yourself, "I am a good guy, a fun guy, and an attractive guy". If you say this with absolute certainty and confidence, in just one week women will love you and begin flocking to your side.
The man is happy with this assessment and leaves the bar after paying his tab eager to try out the bartender?s advice and find love. Three weeks later, however, he goes back to the same bar looking every bit as depressed as before.
"What?s the matter, sir, wasn?t my advice effective?" asks the bartender.
"Oh, it was very effective. During the past three weeks I've had some of the best times in my life with the most attractive women I?ve ever met."
?I don?t understand. What's your problem then?"
"Oh, I don't have a problem anymore," the man says. "My wife?s the one with the problem now."
Real 911 calls
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
- Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
- Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
- Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?
- Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
- Dispatcher: Excuse me?
- Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
- Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
- Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
- Dispatcher: 911
- Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
- Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
- Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
- Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
- Caller: No
- Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
- Caller: Running from the Police.
- Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
- Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
- Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
- Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
- Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
- Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?
- Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
- Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
- Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
A Kid’s Guide to buying smart
A little kid was looking at the large ripe watermelons growing in the gardener's melon patch. "I'll give you my twenty five cents for that watermelon," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit in the middle of the patch.
"No," said the gardener, "I get $2 for a Watermelon like that one." The little boy pointed to a tiny watermelon just beginning to grow on a nearby, "Will you take twenty five cents for that one?"
"Sure," replied the gardener, "I'll give you that one for twenty five cents."
"OK," said the little kid, sealing the deal by putting the coin in the gardener's hand, "I'll pick it up in about two weeks."
The Questions Kid asks
four year old kid named Joe is in the surgery’s waiting room with his mom when he sees a pregnant lady sitting on a bench on the opposite wall. Having nothing better to do, Joe saunters over to her and with wide eyes full of curiosity and asks “Why is your stomach so big?”
The lady calmly replies with a smile, “Because I’m having a baby.” With eyes as large as saucers, Joe asks, “Is the baby in your tummy?”
“She sure is,” replies the lady charmed by the little kid’s innocent question.
“Is it a good baby,” asks Joe with a puzzled look on his face.
“Oh, yes. I’m sure it’s a really good baby,” says the lady with good humor thinking how incredibly cute the little kid is and looking forward to what he might say next…
At this point much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, Joe asks, “Then why did you eat her?”
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